


Vertigo

by xaritomene



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Authority Figures, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Issues, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-21
Updated: 2013-05-21
Packaged: 2017-12-12 11:46:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/811247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xaritomene/pseuds/xaritomene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A look at Merlin and Arthur's friendship.</p>
<p>
  <i>Arthur is a king, and that is a terrible thing to be.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vertigo

**Author's Note:**

> So, this happened because I wrote a frankly terrible essay on friendship in the eighteenth century for my MA, and read Alan Bray's book _The Friend_ (which is actually a really good read: reccommended!). In a desperate bid to be doing anything other than writing my essay, I wrote this.
> 
> Sorry.

Arthur understands the rules of a vertical friendship. Merlin’s intense devotion makes perfect sense to him, because he is Arthur, King of Camelot, and Merlin is his friend, so he will protect him and give him preference, and in return Merlin will do the only thing he can to make up for the power imbalance – love him.

It doesn’t always make sense; sometimes Arthur forgets what Merlin is due for that devotion, sometimes he teases him too much or treats him poorly. By the rules of the kind of friendship they’re engaged in, Merlin should close off, tamp down some of that devotion, but he rarely does – he takes it with a grin, like they’re equals, like Arthur doesn’t need to exert himself on Merlin’s behalf to warrant that love. Which is baffling to Arthur, but then, Merlin isn’t from Camelot, he’s a villager from nowhere, he probably just doesn’t understand.

In any case, Arthur knows, deep in his bones, that no matter what he can give Merlin, it’s never enough to paper over the gaps between them. He tells himself the rules of their friendship are such that he gives and Merlin receives with gratitude, but the fact is – the fact he only acknowledges late at night, alone – the fact is, he gets so much more from Merlin than he could ever give. Merlin gives him the kind of love and solidity which Arthur can never return. Arthur is a king, and though he has a wife and a friend who would die for him, he belongs to his country more than to either of them. Merlin would die for Arthur – but Arthur could never die for Merlin, no matter how much he might want to.

Arthur is a king, and that is a terrible thing to be.

Merlin never notices it though. Merlin smiles, Merlin is always there, Merlin _loves_. Merlin loves with a strength and a passion that is terrifying in its intensity and comforting in its surety, a thing greater and more terrible than any kingship or magic. Arthur can never repay such love, not with gifts or protection, and certainly never with an equal love. Maybe, had he been someone else – and oh, how he wishes he were – he could have returned it as it deserved. But he is Arthur, King, Knight, Protector, Husband – never lover. Only beloved.

And yet, he does love Merlin. The difference between him and Merlin is never that he loved Merlin _less_ \- only that he was never capable of showing it. Merlin shows it, Merlin is terrifying in his openness, his smiles which speak, his silent actions that bespeak a care and a tenderness beyond anything Arthur has ever known. Merlin is a terrible servant, but Arthur would put up with worse for the friendship they have, for the love Merlin never speaks and always shows.

So, Arthur understands the rules of a vertical friendship. Luckily for him, Merlin doesn’t.


End file.
